I woke up grumpy. My eyes refused to allow any sunlight in, my tongue was already spiked with sharp retorts and my mind was just full of drawf-sized grumpydoodles.
Oh right, it was the 30th of July.
My mood cheered up a bit when Jo drove over with her usual grin and she bought me my favourite breakfast. Because birthday girls need breakfast.
Then in the office, it went downhill. I was tired before noon and my mood had gone from grumpy to full-fledged bitchy. No, I'm not PMSing. I just didn't like the way things were going I suppose.
Jo and some of the other girls took me out for lunch. I was happy.
Grizzly called me and I was happier.
Boss gave me last minute work. I nearly kicked the computer. And I cussed loud enough for the whole office to hear.
I had to call my grandparents to cancel tonight's festivities. Yes, we had dinner last night but meh, they wanted to see me again tonight. Who am I to deny my grandparents?
After some convincing from Grizzly and Jo, I left the office. Fuck it. I don't need to end the day on a bad note.
So yeah, 24.
One year before I reach a quarter of a century.
This is big. I'm an adult now.
Ha. Okay not really.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Reassasing the assasinations of assumptions
Cold showers help me think. The stream of wonderfully cooling bits of heaven lifts fatigue and gets rid of my worries for awhile. Which is probably why the water bill has been on the rise.
I've realised how easy it is to feel sorry for yourself. How tempting it is to give in to your scowling, moping around the house and being a general emo pain to everyone around you. Skip denial, anger and frustration. Fast forward straight into depression.
No thanks, spazzing chemicals in my brain. I don't need to go down that road again. It's harder to just deal with those feelings, I know but eh who wants to sit around and write gawd-awful poetry when you should actually be doing things like planning your migration to Australia.
I have to get my visa ready next month, pay the tuition deposit, shop around for a student loan, sit for exams in December, look for a place to stay (cos as much as I like the idea of being a homeless and starving grad student, I'd like queen size bed with egyptian cotton sheets and a massaging shower head to uh, help me think), see if I can get sponsorships from an Aus company, work out how much I will ACTUALLY need and annoy my brother.
One has no time to be all weepy in times like these. One needs to be punched in the face should one start whining about how difficult one's life is getting.
Because the wheels on the bus go round and round. And in Australia, they have trams that help you do that for you.
I've realised how easy it is to feel sorry for yourself. How tempting it is to give in to your scowling, moping around the house and being a general emo pain to everyone around you. Skip denial, anger and frustration. Fast forward straight into depression.
No thanks, spazzing chemicals in my brain. I don't need to go down that road again. It's harder to just deal with those feelings, I know but eh who wants to sit around and write gawd-awful poetry when you should actually be doing things like planning your migration to Australia.
I have to get my visa ready next month, pay the tuition deposit, shop around for a student loan, sit for exams in December, look for a place to stay (cos as much as I like the idea of being a homeless and starving grad student, I'd like queen size bed with egyptian cotton sheets and a massaging shower head to uh, help me think), see if I can get sponsorships from an Aus company, work out how much I will ACTUALLY need and annoy my brother.
One has no time to be all weepy in times like these. One needs to be punched in the face should one start whining about how difficult one's life is getting.
Because the wheels on the bus go round and round. And in Australia, they have trams that help you do that for you.
Friday, July 24, 2009
The walking cliché
You know what's funny?
Going through life thinking "hey meh, I've gotten so strong over the years that nothing can break this fortress".
Or making fun of girls who cry at airports or sumthin'.
Because it can happen to you.
When your damned tears start to stream down your once dry-as-a-desert tear ducts because you can feel the cemented pieces of your heart break as though they were made of fine china, you take it all back.
When you push your pride away and beg the person to wait for you, you wonder why you ever had an ego in the first place.
When the first time you EVER let a person outside your family, see you vulnerable and weak without their presence - you accept the fact that you're human after all.
5 months and a bit. Wait for me.
Going through life thinking "hey meh, I've gotten so strong over the years that nothing can break this fortress".
Or making fun of girls who cry at airports or sumthin'.
Because it can happen to you.
When your damned tears start to stream down your once dry-as-a-desert tear ducts because you can feel the cemented pieces of your heart break as though they were made of fine china, you take it all back.
When you push your pride away and beg the person to wait for you, you wonder why you ever had an ego in the first place.
When the first time you EVER let a person outside your family, see you vulnerable and weak without their presence - you accept the fact that you're human after all.
5 months and a bit. Wait for me.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
You keep rolling with the punches
Someone said I should start writing again. So I am.
(Not that I usually listen to what people say but some people have more pull on me than others. And he's cute so ngeh)
A lot can change in a matter of minutes. Seconds. Mili-seconds. Nanomircominiskirtseconds.
For instance - you can fall in love, fall out of love, fall out of favour, make decisions that can change the wind in your sails and I can go on and on but there's no point in that because I'm pretty sure you know where I am going with this.
Point is, people change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. We evolve, we have to. Humans who stay stagnant in their cocoons of comfort (or discomfort) are useless to society and to themselves. You go on auto-pilot for the rest of your lives while Ayn Rand gives you the middle finger.
So change is good even if it springs from unfortunate circumstances. It gives you more options to screw over, more doors to maybe nail shut and more fingers to trample on. Generally, it makes life more exciting.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm not about to sit by and wallow about people who have hurt me or shut me out of their lives simply for being me. Sure, it stung when a person I thought I knew deleted me from her life. Literally. 9 years of friendship brought to an end on facebook. It was more amusing than anything else though. I like it when people confirm my psychoanalysis on them. That said, what is done is done.
I offered friendship, companionship, a shoulder to cry on and my general insanity to be a good friend but apparently when you tell someone they have an attitude problem, that is enough for them to bypass all the support and love you have given them throughout those turbulent years.
Meh.
It's funny though. In the time I lost a friend I thought of as a sister, I gained someone I'd find closest to be a soul mate to me.
Not a bad trade off all things considered. Maybe I should give this fate thing a try?
(Not that I usually listen to what people say but some people have more pull on me than others. And he's cute so ngeh)
A lot can change in a matter of minutes. Seconds. Mili-seconds. Nanomircominiskirtseconds.
For instance - you can fall in love, fall out of love, fall out of favour, make decisions that can change the wind in your sails and I can go on and on but there's no point in that because I'm pretty sure you know where I am going with this.
Point is, people change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. We evolve, we have to. Humans who stay stagnant in their cocoons of comfort (or discomfort) are useless to society and to themselves. You go on auto-pilot for the rest of your lives while Ayn Rand gives you the middle finger.
So change is good even if it springs from unfortunate circumstances. It gives you more options to screw over, more doors to maybe nail shut and more fingers to trample on. Generally, it makes life more exciting.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm not about to sit by and wallow about people who have hurt me or shut me out of their lives simply for being me. Sure, it stung when a person I thought I knew deleted me from her life. Literally. 9 years of friendship brought to an end on facebook. It was more amusing than anything else though. I like it when people confirm my psychoanalysis on them. That said, what is done is done.
I offered friendship, companionship, a shoulder to cry on and my general insanity to be a good friend but apparently when you tell someone they have an attitude problem, that is enough for them to bypass all the support and love you have given them throughout those turbulent years.
Meh.
It's funny though. In the time I lost a friend I thought of as a sister, I gained someone I'd find closest to be a soul mate to me.
Not a bad trade off all things considered. Maybe I should give this fate thing a try?
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